Under My Poivre
by Pickled Lemons
Summary: In a freak move, Draco Malfoy sues the Wizengamot, and Hermione, who's the Head of the Wizengamot has to quickly devise a plan that will keep his antics at bay. Hilarity, mistakes and seduction ensue. Humor, Smut, Tempers and Fun.
1. Perfect Weekend

CHAPTER 1

Hermione gently put her quill to the page, and inscribed her small, curly signature in a designated box. She rolled up the parchment and put her seal on it, sighing with relief as she did so. The assignment had taken the better part of the week, and she was immensely glad that it was Friday.

She put the scrolls back into her bag, and was just wondering whether to pick up a coffee before heading home, when the portrait behind her desk coughed meaningfully. It showed a broad shouldered wizard with a tuft of snowy hair and a perpetually apologetic expression.

'I just thought you should know,' he announced, ruefully, 'That Harry Potter is coming up the passageway. He should be here in thirty seconds.'

Hermione frowned. 'Harry?' she echoed. 'What could he possibly want.'

'I'm sure I wouldn't know,' the portrait said, delicately. 'I just give messages.'

'Of course, Rubexo. But if it's something stupid- I just slogged the whole week and I want to home, damn it!' Her expression mutated into one of abject fury, and as Harry opened the door, he got a full blast of it.

'Woah,' he said, raising his eyebrows, and closing the door behind him. 'That's the charming smile, I wanted. Something up?'

'I could ask you the same thing,' Hermione said, coldly. Harry grinned- she was obviously not in a chatty mood.

'Looking forward to going home, were you? If so, you can think again.'

Hermione frowned. 'Have you got some sort of project for me?'

'You can say that again. Can I sit down?' He didn't wait for her reply, but drew up a chair and sat down, placing a large dossier on the table as he did so.

'What's _that_?' Hermione asked, distastefully looking at the paperwork. 'And since when do _you_ give me assignments? The Head of the Auror Department does not concern the Wizengamot in any way.'

'In this case he does.' Harry said, briskly. 'And in no way you're going to like. This is a file that was submitted at my office my Draco Malfoy about half an hour previously.'

Hermione groaned, and ran a hand through her hair. '_That_ man? What on earth does he want?'

'You'll find out,' Harry said, ominously. 'He's a little chuffed about his father's punishment. Do you remember the case, Hermione?'

'Vividly,' she replied. 'The bastard tried to flee the country and was caught in Romania, where he was administered the Kiss. What's wrong with that?'

'Just this,' Harry said. 'The little ferret's done a whole lot of research-.' He gestured towards the dossier- 'And apparently, the administration of the Dementor's Kiss is illegal in Romania, Hungary, and various other European Countries.'

Hermione stared at him. 'What rubbish,' she said, instinctively. 'The Kiss isn't illegal anywhere?'

'I'm afraid it is, Hermione,' Harry said, sadly. 'He's quite right- and he's got four hundred and sixty seven ages to prove it. All that is research from Hogwarts Library itself. Oh, and ten of the pages include a lawsuit being filed against the Wizengamot, and a diadect that goes against the Auror Department.'

This time, Hermione did not even reply. She gaped a couple of times, and then her fingers inched to the file, opening the cover.

'I- what-.'

'Don't read it now,' Harry said, pulling it away. 'Too long. First, explain to me what a diadect is.'

'Partial accusation,' Hermione mumbled. 'It means he is levering half of the lawsuit against your department. But- but you can't sue the _Wizengamot_._'_

Harry looked rueful. 'That's exactly what the little bugger plans to do. He says that it was the Wizengamot before this gave his father an illegal sentence- he mentions something called _Charter of Continuation…_'

'COC,' Hermione muttered, furiously. 'The _bastard.'_

'What's COC?'

'It decrees that any form of accusation of injustice carried out by a Wizengamot is answerable by the next one. Are you trying to say that he- he's suing _my_ Wizengamot because of what the previous one- _It's impossible_!' she exploded.

'Hermione,' he said, gently, 'Relax. His charges are as follows- actually, I'll let you do the reading. The lawsuit, _and_ the research. I couldn't make out head or tail of it, but I suppose you could.'

Hermione took the file.

'Right.' She said, 'Right. I'm going to go through the lawsuit first. What are your plans for dinner, Harry?'

'I don't know. You want to meet up?'

'I'll stay here and go through the lawsuit. Think you can be back by half past nine?'

'Sure.' He paused. 'Hermione- I'm sorry about all this.'

'It's not your fault, Harry,' she said, grimly. 'There goes my perfect weekend.'


	2. The Bribe

CHAPTER 2

Harry didn't come back unarmed. He brought with him a thermos filled with dark coffee, and a brownish bottle, surreptitiously tucked under his robe. Over his shoulder was a sling bag. He flashed his pass at the Atrium Guard.

'Pretty late for work, Mr. Potter.' The guard said, handing him back his wand after the regular checking.

'Plenty of spill-overs, John,' he replied. 'Hermione still in?'

'Ms. Granger's in her office. Shall I send her a memo?'

'She'll know I'm here- she was expecting me. Or that sneaky portrait of hers will tell her, anyway.'

Sure enough, as he walked down the carpeted corridor towards of the office of Head of Wizengamot, he heard an apologetic voice from inside.

'It's Mr. Potter again, Ms. Granger. Why is he such a frequent visitor?'

'Shut up Rubexo.' She snarled, and as Harry opened the door, she turned to face him.

'I love that expression,' he said, with a half smile. 'I get it every time. I have something that'll lighten up your mood.'

'Coffee!' her eyes lit up, and she reached out to grab the thermos.

'There's a cup in the packet. And I brought a little stimulant,' he informed her, pulling out the bottle, adding as she raised her eyebrows, 'It's cointreau. I know it's strictly not allowed, but in the face of all this…'

She did not protest, but poured herself a generous quantity and took a long sip. Her face eased a little.

'You don't know how good that makes me feel. What's in the packet?'

'Beef sandwiches. We can save it for later. So- what's your assessment?" he asked, sitting down.

She sighed and pulled the dossier towards herself.

'I haven't even started on the research.' She said. 'It's too long. I'll do it over the weekend. But I did go through the lawsuit.'

'And?'

'And nothing good. He is suing the Wizengamot for practicing the Kiss on his father in a Refrained Country- one where the same is illegal, namely Romania. It was at the same time also practiced on Mulciber, but he isn't pressing charges against _that_ thank god.'

'What are the implications?' Harry asked, taking a sip of spiked coffee.

'Firstly? That I'll have to bear the brunt of it. Act 564, Section 4- It's called the DOCR, Dissemination of Collective, Responsibility, meaning if he accuses the Wizengamot, he's basically accusing _me._ I'll be the person to go up on stand- and you too, since your Head of Auror Department.'

'What's he got against _my_ Department?'

'You executed the sentence- gave Malfoy Senior the Kiss. You should have abstained, according to him.'

'Right.' Harry snorted. 'Like he didn't deserve it anyway.'

'_That's_ not going to hold with the court.' Hermione said, grimly. 'If it was illegal, we shouldn't have done it. I suppose the previous Wizengamot didn't research things thoroughly- it was too hurried anyway.'

'What's really unfair,' Harry said, 'Is that you're being blamed though you didn't do anything.'

Hermione shrugged. 'That's the way it is, Harry. But it looks like we're in trouble.'

'Wait a minute,' Harry said, 'If he's suing you- who are going to be judging?'

She sighed. 'A committee will be selected.' She said. 'By the Minister- that is, Mr. Everard, and the accused will have twenty percent representation. That means eight people will be chosen by Mr. Everard, and two by Malfoy.'

'Damn it.' Harry growled. 'So, what are our options?'

She sighed, and put a hand to her temple.

'Firstly,' she said, 'About the committee. If you ask me, as long as Malfoy pays Everard enough, he's bound to appoint people who favor him. He's a lousy, weak Minister.'

Harry frowned. 'What should we do?'

Hermione paused, and glanced worriedly at him. 'Harry,' she said, softly. 'The only thing I can think of doing is paying him off first.'

Harry stared. 'You mean- _bribe _him? _You're_ saying that.'

'Harry there's no other choice! You know he's an idiot! It's either us or Malfoy, and- well, you can _see_ how it is.' She looked almost close to tears. Harry swallowed twice.

'But how- how would we-?'

'Leave that to me.' Hermione said, grimly. 'We'll come back to it, anyway. The second issue is, if he succeeds, that's us in Azkaban.'

'_So _ bad?' Harry snapped, horrified. 'But why?'

'Illegal sentence, Harry, it's not a simple matter. I visualize four years in that hell at _least_ and I know how the system works!'

'Right,' he growled. 'Right. Azkaban. All in a days work. What's the next issue?'

'Next? The fact that we have very little to _go_ on. You realize we'll need to come up with a really good defense? I'll need to go through the research for that. If we're lucky, there'll be some sort of snag.'

'I hope,' Harry said, glumly. 'What should we do now?'

'Now- I think firstly talk to Mr. Everard. Secondly, I go through the research- and then depending on that, we can see.'

Harry sighed.

'Should we- should we _talk _to Malfoy, maybe?'

Hermione stared at him like he was crazy.

'When hell freezes over.' She spat.

oOo

Ten minutes later, filled with coffee and beef sandwiches, she was standing nervously outside the Minister's office. In one hand, she held a few papers, and in another a bag of galleons which Harry had got from his office.

'Come in, Mrs. Granger,' a mild voice said. She opened the door and stepped in. The room was furnished in light beige colors, and sitting behind the desk was Minister of two years, Lesley Everard. He was a middle aged balding man, with slick gray hair and dark piggy eyes, with a wide mouth and slobby suit.

'Hello minister.' She said, brightly. 'May I have a few minutes?

'Of course, Mrs. Granger,' he said, in a high, amiable voice. 'Is something wrong?'

'I wanted to bring your attention to something, which I believe- _ah_!'

With a theatrical sigh, she dropped the bag on Everard's desk, and fat galleons rolled over its surface. She saw his eyes light up, and he picked one up to hand it back to her- pausing just a moment to admire its gleam before doing so.

'Of course,' he said, licking his lips. 'Tell me.'

'You see,' she said, biting her lip dejectedly. 'Draco Malfoy is causing a bit of inconvenience.'

'I _heard_ about that,' said Everard, who was still looking lovingly at the plump bag. 'Yes, yes, the file passed through my hands before being given to the Auror Dep. Although I didn't go through _all_ that research- a little lengthy for me, ha?' He laughed nervously, and tore his eyes away from the bag.

'I thought you might have an inkling of that,' Hermione said, sweetly. 'So _aware_, if I do say so. You'd be appointing a committee for judging, won't you?'

'Of course.' Everard said, distractedly. 'Have some wonderful names to put down- lovely recommendations. And Mr. Malfoy has his own- um- representation, of course.'

'Yes, rather,' Hermione said, glibly. 'But enough of that. I heard on the grapevine that you would be setting up a new- ah- fund?'

Mr. Everard had planned nothing of the sort. He looked blank.

'Um-.'

'Because, I'm _willing_ to donate,' Hermione said, earnestly. 'This bag- a thousand galleons- all for a good cause.'

'Ah,' said Mr. Everard, not really understanding.

Hermione knew she held the ace now. She jangled the bag temptingly, and put it on the desk. 'You _will_ give that committee thought, won't you Minister?'

Light dawned in Everard's eyes. Being very susceptible to bribes, he knew how to recognize one.

'Yes,' he said, smoothly, 'Yes, of course…all for a good cause… thank you so much, Mrs. Granger.'

Hermione smiled, and left the office. As she shut the door behind her, she allowed herself a small sigh of relief.


	3. The Cat Who Got the Cream

CHAPTER 3

Draco Malfoy took a long puff of his cigar, and exhaled. The smoke curled above his platinum blonde head, towards the ceiling. He leaned back and rested his elbows on his chair. His legs sprung up to his desk, and he crossed them comfortably. By his side was a bottle of champagne- evidently, he was celebrating. His eyes were half closed, his mouth half open. He tipped a dollop of ash into a ceramic tray beside him and returned the cigar to him mouth.

'Very theatric,' Pansy said, raising an eyebrow. 'You look like a cat who's got the cream.'

'Change that to tiger and I'll agree,' he said, smugly. 'I'm in the best position a man can be in.'

Pansy inclined her head. 'A long, boring lawsuit. No lawyer? Things don't look to rosy to me.'

'I didn't get a lawyer because I didn't _want_ one,' Draco said, rolling his eyes. 'They all suck up to Granger anyway. I can handle this case on my own.'

Pansy leaned across his desk and folded her arms. Her dark eyes were challenging.

'Can you Draco?' she asked. 'Do you know the first thing about law?'

'I've spent two years researching.' He shrugged. 'My case in point black. Kiss delivered in Romania. Kiss illegal in Romania. Hence sue Wizengamot. It's a clincher.'

'It's a waste of time,' Pansy growled, 'You should be spending that time on the Company!'

Draco sighed and looked pityingly at her.

'You don't get this, do you?' he asked. 'This lawsuit if _perfect_ for the company.'

'How so?'

'Look at it logically. It doesn't harm me at all- I'm rich and famous, and our team is off season right now. What I need to boost the Company, now that we've finally come to a compromise with Geissbughler, is a good reputation for the public. This case is going to make me the Golden Boy of the press- the boy who's father was wrongfully administered the kiss, and who's fighting for justice. Don't you think the public will respond well to the Company after that?'

'Exit Potter, enter Malfoy,' Pansy mused. 'Yes, I see your point. But if that's the main aim- to improve Company sales, then how come it's so hush-hush. Nobody knows except you and me, and Granger and Potter are definitely not going to spread the news.'

'I'm waiting for the right time,' Draco murmured. 'Then I call the Prophet. It's simple,' he took a swig of champagne. 'Right now, Potter and Granger are garnering their defenses. They'll probably try paying Everard. Who knows. But the point is, whatever they do, the case will have to come to Court soon.'

'What if the Committee favors them? If they pay Everard, that's almost certain.'

'Who cares?' Draco demanded. 'It's public sentiment that I want. They're idiots, going after Everard like this.'

'I'm not understand you, Draco.'

He put down his cigar, leaned over the desk and grabbed her hand.

'Then listen,' he said, 'I'm going to wait until this reaches court. I'm going to take tapes of every word Granger and Potter and the entire Committee says. I'm counting on the fact that they paid Everard- that would mean that the Committee would favor them. After that, I can bet you a million galleons they'll adjoin court for a week. Then? Then I hit the newspaper, give them the statements, leak the tapes to all the radio stations, and tell them exactly how me and my father were wronged, and how Granger and Potter are trying to pervert the court of justice.'

Pansy was staring at him. The plan seemed to overwhelm her.

'You won't have definite proof..' she began.

'Nobody will care,' Draco said, dismissively. 'Granger and Potter will look like idiots, I'll look like a prince, and the Company will hit sky rocket sales.'


	4. Witnesses

CHAPTER 4

'He took it?' Harry asked. 'Are you sure you got through to him?'

'Absolutely,' Hermione replied. When Harry still looked uncertain, she rolled her eyes.

'Come on, it's Everard! The man knows a bribe when he hears one.'

'All right,' Harry consented. 'I see your point. Now, when's the hearing going to be held?'

Hermione sighed.

'That's the bad news,' she replied. After a pause, she said, 'A week.'

Harry practically fell out of his chair. 'A week?' he cried. 'We have _one week?'_

'It will be spread out, of course,' Hermione said, quickly. 'They'll have the first one in a week, and then more every few days for- say- three weeks or so? But yes, we need a good defense in a week.'

Harry was still staring. 'We are never going to be able to do that.' he said, certainly. 'I know enough about law, and have held that hundred pound file of accusations to know that.'

'It's next Monday, Harry, and we _have_ to have something by then.' Hermione pressed.

'We don't have a choice.'

'Okay,' Harry said, running a hand through his already-messy hair. 'Okay. One week. Where do we start?'

Hermione snapped a pad and a pen from her handbag.

'First things first.' She said. 'I'm handing defense.'

'No lawyer?'

'No lawyer.'

'How come?' Harry asked, curiously.

'I don't trust anybody to handle thing but myself. And you, of course,' she added, as an afterthought.

'Gee, thanks.'

'Shut up, Harry.'

She scribbled on the pad.

_Defense: Self._

'Have you gone through the file?" Harry demanded.

She sighed. 'Yes.' She replied. 'Quite thoroughly. It's too long and complicated to go through now, but I've highlighted some important chapters which I want you to read. They're over here.' She handed him a thick packet.

'Thanks again.'

'Shut up, Harry.'

'Is this how you always talk amongst yourselves?' Her office portrait asked, interested.

'Shut up Rubexo!'

'Now,' Hermione said, when the portrait had fallen silent. 'Firstly, we need points to go on. That's easy enough. I have lots of experience on this, and I think we can leave the smooth-talking in court to me.'

'Done.' Harry said. 'But isn't there more?'

'Of course there is, Harry. We need witnesses. I've drawn up a list, over here.'

She handed him a sheet of paper, and he scanned the unfamiliar names.

'Who are these people?'

'They've all cropped up in Malfoy's research. Adrian Chadwick-.' She pointed to the first name. 'He was one of the Aurors who caught Malfoy Sr. So was Jude Berkley.'

'Adrian Chadwick, Jude Berkley,' Harry repeated. 'Will they favor us?'

'They've both seen the horrible things Lucius did. I'm sure they will.'

'Good.'

'Next- Joe Bender.'

'Who's that?'

'A lawyer who Malfoy tried to summon right before the Kiss was administered. He refused on moral grounds.'

'Excellent.' Said Harry, approvingly. 'That will look good. Whose next?'

'A Romanian man named Benedikte Adam. He was the jailer who was posted outside Malfoy's cell before the Kiss. I thought he would add a sense of reality to the proceedings.'

'Good, good,' Harry agreed.

'That's the last of my definite names,' Hermione said. She folded her arms over the desk. 'Now, we need to think of people who might not be mentioned by name who could help our case. The more witnesses the better.'

'Well,' Harry considered, 'How about relatives of victims who Malfoy's been after? That would add an air of macabre to the whole thing, don't you think?'

'Excellent,' Hermione nodded. 'I'm going to need you to research that, Harry. I'm having my hands full with the defense. And while you're at it, why not check up on some of the reformed Death Eaters, who hate Malfoy. They'd love to squeal on that guy.'

'Would the court give any weight to something said by a former Death Eater?' Harry asked, frowning.

'They could give an inside experience,' Hermione shrugged. 'And it's the best we can do.'

'All right.' Harry said, writing this down. 'I'll have a list of names ready by evening. Then we'll have to contact all of them.'

'It's going to be difficult.' Hermione warned him. 'I think we'll have to pull an all nighter.'

'Your place or mine?' Harry grinned.

'Excuse me?' The portrait coughed in disbelief.'

'Shut up, Rubexo.' Hermione said, dismissively. 'Meet me here at ten, and then we can drive back to my place.' She paused, and then said, 'Would Ginny be cool with that?'

'Ginny's cool with anything.' Harry said, shrugging dismissively.

Hermione looked curiously at him.

'Is everything all right, Harry?'

'Perfecto.' He replied, not meeting her eye. 'I'll see you in the evening with the named. Bye Herms.'


End file.
